If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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