I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
