So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Randomize
