guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
