last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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