i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
