I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
