I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
