i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize
