I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
