I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
