If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
