We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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