I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What changed your mind?
Being sober
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
