I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
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