do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Screwed.edu
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I supernannyed him into submission
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
