just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
i would one night stand the shit outta him
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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