You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
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