I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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