You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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