In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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