Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
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