I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
