i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
