I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
