i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
