Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We're too hungover to prance.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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