i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
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