Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Randomize
