I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
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