and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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