PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...
Ur type is ready and willing
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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