i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
