Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
Randomize
