He asked to "fluff my boner.."
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
I said "one day" and that day is not today
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
