Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
