wanna go halves on a baby?
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
