found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
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