Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Randomize
