I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
