if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
