I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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