Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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