she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
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