just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
50% drunk capacity currently
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Randomize
