I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
