youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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