My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
My breasts were aching with rage.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
Randomize
