I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
