Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
