Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
