So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Randomize
